You Are the Pilot – A Mindful Parenting Reminder for Separated Parents

In the world of separated parenting, emotions can run high, and triggers can seem endless. A text message laced with criticism. A passive-aggressive comment during handover. A last-minute request for a schedule change. These moments, while seemingly small, can quickly spiral into resentment and conflict and often at the expense of our emotional energy and, if we are not careful, our children’s sense of emotional safety.

But whatever the scenario, you still hold the ultimate power.

Inspired by Mel Robbins’ The Let Them Theory and her book 'Stop Saying You're Fine’, there is a powerful reminder tucked into this one sentence: “I decide who pushes my buttons.”

Let that sink in.

It is an idea that invites you to reclaim the controls. To stop outsourcing your emotional wellbeing to someone else’s behaviour or external influences. This idea is especially relevant in the vulnerable space of co-parenting after separation, where your patience is often tested, interactions with the Ex come with a lot of excess baggage and history, and your children are watching closely.

"I decide who pushes my buttons" is a powerful reminder that you have the agency to shape your own experience and navigate life's challenges with more intention and control – Mel Robins

So let us use a metaphor I often return to in my work with families:
You are the pilot of your own plane.

Your life is the aircraft. You are seated in the cockpit - hands on the controls, eyes on the horizon, focused on the journey ahead. There may be storms brewing outside or unexpected turbulence, but you, and only you, get to chart your flight path and steer.

That means when a message comes through from your co-parent that sends your blood pressure skyrocketing, or when you feel provoked in a way that tempts a knee-jerk reaction - pause.

And before you let go of the controls and react on autopilot. ask yourself:

• What outcome am I really after here?
• Will reacting serve my child’s best interests - or just my ego?
• Am I letting someone else take control of how I feel?
• Am I handing over the controls to someone who should not be flying my plane?

It takes courage to resist the autopilot response. But it is in that pause - in that mindful, momentary breath - that your power resides.

When conflict arises with your co-parent- perhaps a message that rattles you or a comment that hits a nerve - you have a choice. Most people react on autopilot. But you can do something different. You can pause. Breathe. Stay in your cockpit.

Choosing not to respond immediately is not weakness. It is not passivity. And it is definitely not avoiding the issue. It is however, emotional intelligence.

It is the grounded choice of a parent who understands that during turbulence and rough weather, calm is contagious. They know their child’s emotional safety depends, in part, on how they show up in conversations, emails exchanges and negotiations with their co-parent and during challenging parenting/coparenting moments.

When you choose to stay seated in the cockpit and in control, you are modelling both self-regulation and resilience. You are showing your child that it is possible to remain composed—even in conflict and during moments of turbulence. And perhaps most importantly, you are keeping your energy focused on what truly matters: the wellbeing of your child, and your own emotional peace of mind.

You may not be able to control how your co-parent behaves or various things happening around you. But you absolutely get to control how (or even if) you respond.

So next time you feel triggered, remember:

You are the pilot.

You decide how you fly.

You choose your altitude and the flight path.

And no one gets to hijack your journey unless you hand them the controls.

“I am the pilot. I decide how I fly. I choose how I respond.”