When Parenting Styles Clash: How to Work Together Across Different Households

In my work with families, I often hear from parents who feel out of step with one another. One may lean into structure, consequences, and routine, while the other prefers empathy, flexibility, and emotional connection. One might want to set firm boundaries on screen time, while the other believes kids should be trusted to make their own choices. Sound familiar?

Differences in parenting approaches are not just common - they are inevitable

You and your partner/ex partner are two distinct people, with uniques personalities, shaped by different childhood and life experiences. It makes sense that you may have different approaches to parenting, and that your views about raising children sometimes clash.

These different attitudes, expectations, and perspectives can be challenging in intact relationships, but there is often an underlying layer of trust and goodwill that allows for compromise. You might “let it go this time,” or work together to find a shared solution because your relationship provides the safety and stability needed to do so.

However, after separation or divorce, parenting differences can feel more pronounced. Without the buffer of daily connection and emotional intimacy, former partners may have less tolerance for each other’s differing views and decisions. When trust has been eroded, compromise often becomes harder. What once felt like a reasonable difference in opinion may now feel like a direct threat to your parenting values or your child’s wellbeing.

Children, of course, remain at the centre of it all

They are remarkably perceptive and quickly pick up on when their parents are not aligned. They notice tension, mixed messages, and subtle power struggles - even when unspoken. In response, some children may push boundaries, while others might align with one parent over the other. This is rarely manipulative; more often, it is their way of trying to make sense of the disconnection or confusion they sense. That said, it does not take long for some children to also realise that playing parents against each other can help them get what they want.

But here is the reassuring part: some variation in parenting style can actually benefit children.

Psychologist and author Dr Laura Marshak notes that children often do well when exposed to different parenting approaches—as long as those differences are not rooted in a lack of goodwill or respect between the parents. She explains that while some parents feel pressure to maintain strict consistency, this can be overstated. “Consistency can be overrated in its impact on a child,” she says, “given that they will need to operate in a world that is not entirely consistent.” Afterall, children adapt to the differences between home and childcare or school, to different teachers, coaches, and family members, and doing so helps build flexibility and resilience.

The key, Dr Marshak and others like child and adolescent psychiatrist Dr Alan Ravitz, suggest is approaching the parenting relationship - whether you are together or separated - with openness, curiosity, and respect. You have to be open-minded about the possibility that the other person may be right (or at least not wrong). After all, someone doing something different from how you might do that same thing, does not automatically mean it is incorrect, negative, or less than. There is more than one way to parent children and raise well adjusted and healthy children.

Different does not mean wrong or bad. It can just mean different.

And sometimes when there are differences, the most effective strategy is not to solve the difference at all - but to let it be. Parenting, especially post separation and divorce, often involves letting go of the need to be right, and instead choosing open-mindedness, understanding, and respect for diversity.

So, what can you do when your parenting styles feel worlds apart - whether you are living together or parenting from separate households?

How to Work Together Across Two Households

1. Name What Is Happening

When things are calm, acknowledge the difference in your approaches. A simple invitation like “We seem to be seeing this differently — can we talk about it?”, “Can I share how I see it, just to offer another angle?”, “Would you be open to hearing a different perspective?”, or “I wonder if we might look at it from a different angle together?” can open the door to a more respectful and collaborative way of resolving the issue.

2. Get Curious, Not Critical

Behind every parenting instinct is often a deeper story — perhaps a fear of repeating the past, or a longing to shield a child from pain once experienced (or still felt). Rather than jumping to judgement, try asking your partner or co-parent why a particular issue matters to them. If asking directly feels too hard, even pausing to reflect on why it might matter to them can be insightful. You do not need to agree with their perspective to begin to understand it.

3. Find Shared Ground

You may not agree on every rule or routine, but chances are you share some core values — like kindness, education, and responsibility. Most importantly, you both love your child and want what is best for them. Start from that common ground. Whether you are parenting together or co-parenting after separation, those shared values can be a powerful guide for consistent messaging and decision-making that prioritises your child’s wellbeing.

4. Press Pause When You Need To

Disagreements will happen, that’s given. It’s how you handle them matters. Avoid discussing heated issues in front of your child. It is perfectly okay to say, “Let’s talk about this later,” and come back to it when emotions have cooled and the children are not present to see or hear the discussion.

5. Choose your battles

Let the smaller differences go and focus on the bigger issues — the ones that may genuinely impact your child’s wellbeing or development. When something truly matters, address it calmly and privately with your co-parent. Whether you speak in person or send a carefully worded message, explain what you are concerned about, why it matters, and how you believe it could affect your child. Framing it this way keeps the focus on your child, not on who is right

6. Back Each Other Up Where You Can

Even when you do not agree, undermining your partner or co-parent in front of the children can be confusing and damaging – to the kids and to the parental alliance. A general rule of thumb: support the direction set by the parent who is actively managing the situation (for example, during homework or bedtime), and if needed, discuss your concerns privately with them afterward.

7. Repair When Needed

We all make mistakes. If an argument with your coparent spills into your parenting or causes confusion for your child, own it. Apologise. Explain in age-appropriate language. Let your child see that relationships are not about being perfect - they are about working through differences and coming back together respectfully.

8. Consistency Is Key

Post separation,  an effective way to support consistency between the two homes is by creating a parenting plan you both agree on. Having a written document to refer to makes it easier to stay aligned and ensures that both households are working from the same playbook. This consistency helps create a stable and predictable environment for your children as they adjust to the new family structure.

9. Reach Out for Support

Sometimes, despite your best efforts, you cannot find common ground - especially when the emotional residue of a separation makes compromise feel impossible. If that is the case, seeking external support can help. A family counsellor or parenting coordinator or even a mediator can provide a neutral space to explore your concerns and work toward a shared approach.

Parenting together requires patience, reflection, and a willingness to stay open-minded

It is not always easy, but when approached with respect and intention, navigating parenting differences can strengthen more than just your co-parenting dynamic; it can strengthen your child’s sense of emotional safety.

You may be entirely right about what your child needs, but in the end, what matters most is that your child feels deeply loved and supported by both of you. No matter your child’s living arrangements it is even more powerful when they see their parents working as a team in their best interest, rather than as opposing sides.

The advice and information provided in this blog are intended for general guidance only. Every family situation is unique, and what may be suitable in one context might not be appropriate in another. If your family is experiencing safety concerns or issues related to family violence, different considerations apply. Please seek professional advice tailored to your circumstances from a qualified legal, social, or support service.