When Actions Speak Louder: What Children Understand from What is Not Said
Children are finely attuned to what goes on around them - especially to what is not said. Even before they have the words, children learn to read the world through nonverbal cues: facial expressions of caregivers and love ones, body language, tone of voice, and even silence. From infancy onwards, children rely on these cues not just to express their own needs, but to make sense of relationships, emotions and the world around them. Smiles, eye contact, gentle tones, and a soft touch can help them feel safe and connected. On the flip side, being ignored or seeing a stiff posture and crossed arms, accompanied by a frown or grimace can be unsettling. Research suggests that children as young as six months register their parents’ distress, can exhibit stress reactions to angry or scowling facial expressions, and become more physiologically reactive to stressful situations after looking at angry faces, making non-verbal cues relevant to all age groups.
Nonverbal Communication Matters.
Nonverbal communication matters just as much as verbal communication - sometimes even more - because it conveys emotions, attitudes, and intentions that words alone may not fully express. It can reinforce or contradict what we say. For example, saying “good morning” with a smile and eye contact feels warm and sincere. But saying it with a different tone of voice, while turning away or avoiding eye contact and checking your phone sends a very different message. When our words and actions do not match, children often feel confused or unsure, especially during times of stress or change when things feel unpredictable.
Before and after separation or divorce, when home life becomes tense and emotionally charged or parents emotionally withdraw and start avoiding one another, children are often the quiet observers of their environment. They can become highly attuned to subtle shifts in tone, posture, facial expressions, and emotional energy - not only from their parents, but also from grandparents and other close family members. As they try to make sense of changes observed in adult relationships or in their family more generally, they may become more vigilant, constantly monitoring their parents' interactions for clues. This heightened awareness can divert their attention and emotional resources away from play, learning, and other developmentally essential activities.
What You Say - And What You Do Not Say – Matters.
During separation and beyond, communication takes many forms. There is what you say - your words - and then there is how you say it—your nonverbal communication. The latter is often unconscious but incredibly powerful.
It is important to remember that communication is not only about the words we speak, but also how we show up physically and emotionally in our interactions with our co-parent. Facial expressions, tone of voice, posture, silences and even how we dress when we see them, can speak volumes.
Following separation, the reality is that children are far more perceptive than adults give them credit for They notice how parents engage with each other, whether it is in person, over the phone, or even via text messages. Every nonverbal cue - crossed arms, lack of eye contact, a sigh or eye roll during handovers, a delay in responding or even prolonged silences - communicates something. In fact, not communicating at all can speak volumes, sending strong messages of disconnection or unresolved conflict. These signals do not go unnoticed by children, who often internalise and worry about what they see and hear in ways that shape their emotional security and wellbeing.
Children Are Always Watching.
To highlight this, I once worked with a thoughtful boy, around 7 or 8 years old, whose parents had separated. They believed they had done a good job shielding him and his younger sister from their feelings about one another and their conflict. And in many ways, they had—there were no harsh words or raised voices in front of their children. They acknowledged one another and remained polite during changeovers and told the children they would always be friends.
But this young boy was not so sure.
He noticed that at soccer games his parents no longer stood together on the sideline or chatted like they once had. Instead, they kept to different ends of the field, his father typically had his arms crossed, and his mother clutched a coffee and fiddled with her jewellery more than usual. Their words said, “We’re fine”, but their body language and non-verbal cues seem to suggest to this young boy a different story.
He also picked up on subtle moments at home. He could tell when a text from his mother upset his father- not by the message itself (which appropriately he was never allowed to see or read), but by his father's deep sighs, furrowed brow and the way he would toss his phone aside more abruptly than usual. Likewise, he noticed his mum’s body language when she messaged his dad. She typed more slowly, pressing each key with extra force, unlike how she texted her sister or her boss.
All of these observations left him feeling uncertain. He began watching his parents behaviour very closely, trying to decode how they really felt. And though they never criticised one another (to him or his sister) and he never saw them argue, and they both continued to attend his events, the mixed signals told a deeper story he was struggling to make sense of and understand. It also made him very sad.
When I shared this feedback with this boy's parents, they were understandably surprised, upset and worried. They had not ever thought about their nonverbal behaviour or considered how it might be impacting their son. To their credit, in discussions with me they each made a genuine commitment to be more mindful of the signals they were sending. When reunited with him after the feedback session, they both apologised to him. His mother, in a beautiful moment to witness, held her thumb and finger an inch apart and reminded the boy that any problems between her and his father were this big (and would only get smaller), but the love they both feel for him and his sister is this big – and she held her arms wide open. The father made eye contact with the mother and nodded in agreement as they shared a warm smile - all of which was witnessed by their son, who let out a big breath and moved to hug them both.
Kids are sophisticated conflict analysts; the degree to which they detect emotion is much more refined than parents might guess. ~ E. Mark Cummings, Notre Dame University
Take Away Message.
Children are always watching and listening, not just to what you say, but how you say it, and even what happens in the silences in between.
While words and respectful language matter, the way you deliver those words - your tone, timing, body posture, facial expressions, eye contact, and even how well you listen - plays a powerful role in shaping your co-parenting dynamic and supporting your children’s emotional wellbeing.
Whether communication with your co-parent happens in person, over the phone, by text, or email, children pick up on these cues. They can be especially sensitive to tension, mixed messages and disconnection. So always remain mindful that your nonverbal signals can speak just as loudly as your words.
