Tiny Shifts, Big Feelings: The Trouble with Transitions & How to Help

What is a transition?

Transitions are defined as the movement or change from one position, location or state to another.

There are many types of transitions children go through in their lifetime, both significant and minor, irrespective of how their family structure. Some transitions are seen as major milestones in a child’s life, such as when a child moves from being cared for at home to attending childcare, or starting kindergarten, or graduating high school etc. Other types of transitions are more everyday routine related moments like when a child is moving from play time to having to wash their hands and then sit for morning tea or from playing to packing up or from being asleep to awake and getting out of bed. 

Transitions can be physiological in nature, such as when a child enters puberty or physical for example moving house, moving up year groups at school or switching from sleeping in a cot to a “big” bed. Becoming a big brother or sister, bereavement and loss of a pet or family member or friend, or relocating to live in a new town or country are also all examples of transitions experienced by children and families.

For children whose parents have separated and those in any type of shared care arrangement, frequent transitions each week or fortnight are unavoidable. They happen whenever a child switches from parent to parent and from home to home. Or, if the switch happens via school, from parent to teacher to their other parent. These types of transitions are typically referred to changeovers and changeover days.

Why can changeovers be so hard for children?

The challenge for children is that changeovers not only involve change they are also a separation from a loved one. They are an experience of loss that children in shared care arrangements have to repeatedly deal with. And even though such changes are often necessary or positive and desired, they can be difficult for young children, who by reason of their age and stage of development are less able to manage their emotions and behavior without guidance and support - especially in times of stress, and when caught up in big, messy, and uncomfortable feelings. And let’s face it, that sense of loss, sadness or even fear that can accompany goodbyes, separations and change can be uncomfortable and messy for kids and, dare I say it, for adults as well. Whilst such feelings are often just a sign that we’re living and loving, the stress generated through recurrent weekly or fortnightly change creates the need for constant adaption for which young children may not yet be emotionally or cognitively equipped to manage.

This can be especially true for a young child with emotional or developmental issues, for children who have experienced trauma or those in situations where there is a high level of parental conflict to which they are aware of and exposed to.   Afterall, arriving somewhere where the two people who are meant to make you feel safe and secure are both present and may be tense, arguing or behaving in an overly emotionally or unpredictable manner can be a stressful experience for children, resulting in their brains sensing threat and their becoming understandably anxious.

Like adults, children react in their own way to stress

Now a child’s level of stress or anxiety in any situation depends both on the individual child, their temperament, the type of transition they are experiencing and the environment in which change is occurring. Changeovers are no exception. Some children seem to naturally cope, while others may become apprehensive even during fairly repetitive and familiar changeovers such as leaving the house to go drive to school every morning or having Dad pick them up from Mum’s house every second Thursday afternoon without fail. Even siblings in the same family can react and cope differently.

Hellos and Goodbyes

Irrespective of the state of the parental alliance, for all children in shared care arrangements changeovers between two parents and households represents a change in their day-to-day reality. They may have to adjust to a different set of rules and expectations. They may go from having their own room to having to share with a sibling; from having no pets to a household of animals; from being the youngest to being the oldest or from a household involving two adults (a parent and stepparent) to a single adult household. On top of all of that, every reunion with one much loved parent is also a separation from the other equally loved parent - each “hello” is also a “goodbye.

So, what can parents do?

The Homecoming:

1. Don’t fret. The beginning of your children’s arrival home can sometimes be awkward or even rocky. This is OK and perfectly normal. Try also not to get overly concerned with behaviours that seem unusual or out of character during that initial period, such as if they seem quiet and seemingly not wanting to talk. If it helps, perhaps try thinking of it a little bit like emotional jet lag. Don’t fuss over them as if they are sick or there is something wrong with them. Say hello, greet them warmly and with affection, let them know you are very happy to see them but make their arrival home fairly uneventful. If you regularly make their arrival (and for this matter their leaving) a big production – lots of hugs and hellos/goodbyes or asking if they’ve missed you – your children may likely assume it’s a big deal, as opposed to just part in parcel of having two homes.

   Instead of saying “I’ll miss you” try “I love you and look forward to seeing you on Saturday” or “I’ll be thinking of you - and I bet you’ll be having a good week!” 

2. Allow the child space. Children often need a little time to adjust to the environment they are now in. If they seem to need some space, give it to them and do something else nearby (even when all you want to do is smother them with attention and enjoy their company). With a bit of space, time and patience, they will recalibrate and things will get back to “normal”.
3. Reconnect. After your child has returned home, try to have some down time together to reconnect (when they are ready). Depending on the time or day, perhaps have some afternoon tea together, sit together to read a book or colouring in or do some other low key activity that provides the opportunity for to reconnect and nurture your parent-child relationship once you're together again.
4. Establish a special routine or a “transition ritual”. One way you can help your child to cope is by creating a consistent environment that helps them shift gears more easily. Play the same game, listen to a favourite song or serve the same special meal each time your child returns. In Milly’s Parent Airport, Milly’s dad always cooks Milly her favourite pie for dinner, which she smells as soon as she crosses the threshold.  Children thrive on routine —if they know exactly what to expect when they return to you, it can help ease the transition back in to your household and your routine. 
5. Double up. To make packing and unpacking simpler and make kids feel comfortable, ensure your child has certain basics—toothbrush, hairbrush, pyjamas etc., —at both homes. This means there is less to unpack when they return home and it’s both easier and quicker to slot back into family life.
6. Empathy. Try your best to be understanding of your child missing people or things from their other home, including their other parent. Whilst you might be OK if you never had to think of your Ex again, that Ex is your much loved child’s much loved other parent and all of those things and feelings are very real to your child. Not having them when they want them can be frustrating and sad.

The Departure:

1. Keep calm and carry on. This is similar to “no. 1 – don’t fret” above. Try to stay calm and positive and punctual. Make their leaving as ordinary as possible. Don’t prolong the goodbyes or ask them if they’ll miss you or tell them that you will miss them. Find a way to say goodbye that reflects the love and affection between you, without being emotionally burdensome and build that into your departure ritual. Children sense their parents tacit approval and take with them the good wishes of the parent they are leaving. Knowing that you (the parent being farewelled) is okay with them going and will be fine during their absence gives your child emotional permission to enjoy their time with their other parent and the foundation that they need to cope.

   Instead, say “I love you” or “I’ll be thinking of you every day!” to help your child feel connected without feeling guilty.

2.  Help children anticipate change. Gently remind the kids they’ll be leaving for the other parent’s house a day or two before the visit e.g., when planning for the week ahead on Sunday night you might casually add into the conversation, “remember on Wednesday your Mum’s picking you up from school so I’ll make sure that your football uniform is clean and ready to be packed”. Children tend to function best when they know what to expect. The more unstructured, strange or unexpected the changeover is, the more disorientated and unable to cope children are likely to feel - after all they are only human!.
3. Help them pack. Depending on their age, help children pack their bags well before they leave so that they don’t forget anything they’ll miss. Encourage packing familiar reminders like a special stuffed toy, blanket or a photograph. If they are school age, make sure that their homework is included. Often having a younger child choose their own traveling bag can help. Their input into a very tangible symbol of their transition can help give a child a feeling of being heard and in control.
4. Be cautious about over-interpreting a child’s reluctance at transition time. Before becoming distressed at your child’s seeming reluctance to go to the other parent, take a step back and note as to whether the reluctance is because they are seeking to avoid being with the other parent, or perhaps wanting to have some control, demonstrating loyalty to you, or, as may often be the case, they are struggling with the prospect of change. Sometimes acknowledging your child’s feeling and validating them helps them understand that what they’re going through is normal e.g., “I know you’re feeling a bit worried about all the changes that are about to happen. Your mum/dad will be there to help you figure it all out. I’ll see you again on Saturday at soccer.” 
5. Teach them to problem-solve. Let’s say your child wants to go to their other home, but they’re nervous about being away from you. Don’t give them an out and allow them not to go. Instead, normalise their nervousness, and help them figure out how to navigate being “homesick”. In this scenario you might ask your child how they can practice getting used to being away from you/home. If they are worried about getting their assignment finished brainstorm strategies with them, including who they could ask for help from and how they might manage their time and schedule in order to get their project finished. In other words, engage your child in figuring out how they can handle the challenges. Give them the opportunity, over and over, to figure out what works (for them) and what doesn’t.