The First Hello: Practical Tips for when your Kids and Partner Meet for the First time.
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Introducing your children to your new partner for the first time is one of the biggest milestones in a relationship. For all involved, it is an event that can in equal measures be nerve-racking and exciting and everything in between. After all, both you and your partner want it to go well. The hope of having some sort of family type of life that involves you and your kids and your partner all together is tantalising close. But it can be hard to predict how kids – no matter what their age – will react.
Here are our top ten tips to do that first 'hello' well:
- Wait.
Avoid the temptation to arrange a face-to-face meeting between your kids and your partner too soon in your relationship. It is best to wait until you both know that the relationship is serious and are committed. Most experts recommend waiting at least six – twelve months before organizing that first face-to-face meeting.
- Location, Location, Location.
The first face to face visit would ideally be on a neutral and/or familiar territory, something that is child friendly and appropriate to your children’s ages and interests.
If teenagers are involved it may be best to meet on a more mature level, say over brunch, lunch or coffee. You can even consider the visit happening around an activity you know they usually enjoy, such as ten pin bowling, putt putt golf, a games arcade etc. which provides something for everyone to focus on and encourages conversation.
Younger children are typically more relaxed in a familiar environment. Meeting them in their home, a favourite playground or something similar that is child friendly, are all probably okay. Just keep in mind that young children rely heavily on routines. Tired, hungry, stressed or overstimulated youngsters are less able to manage big emotions and more likely to lose it! If you have a toddler, ensure that any meeting is planned to accommodate their nap times. Mornings when they are fresh, or in the period following a nap tend to work better than in the afternoon, after a long day.
Ensure everyone, is dressed appropriately for the meeting and activity.
- Preparation.
Before the introduction occurs, take the time to talk to your partner about your children, their personalities, likes and dislikes and their interests.
- What do they enjoy doing with you?
- When are they happiest?
- How do you handle discipline?
Talk to your partner about what might be acceptable and unacceptable behaviour when the kids are around (for the adults and for the kids). Let them know if are any taboo or touchy subjects to avoid when it comes to the children’s lives as well as their relationship with their other parent.
Ask your partner what they would like the children to know about them before they and the kids actually meet.
It can also help if you give your partner some idea about what to expect when seeing you in parenting mode and together with your children for the first time.
- Light hearted and Upbeat.
Aim to keep that first meeting low key and light hearted. Both you and your partner should do your best to project a positive attitude, even in the face of criticism or nervousness.
Plan for a relatively short get-together with a definitive end – you don’t want to magnify potential tension and awkwardness by dragging that first encounter on for too long. With this in mind don’t plan an overnight or a weekend retreat for everyone as the first introduction!
- Don’t Force it.
Chat with your partner about how they might greet the children for the first time. A simple hello, friendly smile and a bit of a hand wave can work well whatever the age of the child. Let younger children in particular warm up to you on their own pace. If they are shy or look like they are finding the situation difficult, your partner could say something in a calm, easy going manner such as, “I’d like to say hello to you, but it looks like you may need a few minutes, That’s okay. I’m happy to wait until you are ready”.
Don’t expect your children to be immediately affectionate with them. This includes having the expectation that they offer your partner, or reciprocate a hug or kiss. Forcing affection might make everyone feel uncomfortable, especially if little Max or Harriet shies away, says “no” or just freezes and does nothing. Consenting to a hug they actually don’t want also takes away from a child’s ability to control the pace - this risks making older children in particular feel resentful or withdraw (probably not a good start).
- Language and Labels.
The language used when talking to the children about who your partner is in relation to you should be age appropriate and in line with what they can understand. If they don’t recognise the term girlfriend or boyfriend then being described as a ‘special friend’ may be a better option. However, if other family members refer to your partner as the boyfriend/girlfriend then, to avoid confusion and ensure consistency about what the kids are being told, you might decide to use the same terminology.
Think also what the children might call your partner – generally speaking a first name (or a well-used nickname) would be the obvious choice.
- Less is usually more.
The first meeting should ideally involve only you, your partner and your children. If your partner also has children, resist the urge to include them. For things to go smoothly, you and your partner should be able to fully engage and interact with your kids without being interrupted or distracted by your partner’s children.
In a similar vein, avoid involving other family members such as grandparents etc. (either your own or your partner’s). You don’t want the children to be overwhelmed by meeting too many new people all at once and/or to be confused about who they are actually there to meet/spend time with.
Where you and partner both have children, organise for your partner to meet your children and for you to meet theirs (in separate meetings) before you introduce the children to one another.
- Feelings and Divided Loyalties.
Expect your kids to experience some mixed feelings about their parent having a boyfriend or girlfriend and also about physically meeting that person. Rest assured that this is completely normal. Feelings of loss are often rekindled in children when a parent re-partners following separation or divorce, even if parents have been separated for a while. This can be particularly true for those kids that have clear memories of family life together with both parents prior to the separation or where the separation is fairly recent. For these children at least, transitions, grief and loss can be inextricably intertwined – and those first meetings can be hard or awkward. For other children who are used to having their parents' time and attentions and feel apprehensive about losing a parent or having to share that parent. Some kids may feel it’s hard to love both parents' in addition to also liking a new partner.
Both during and after the first meeting, it can be best if you and your partner avoid asking the children questions about if they “like” your partner or if they are having “fun”. These types of questions can burden children and inadvertently put them in the difficult position of having to respond positively when it may not necessarily be a positive or comfortable experience (for them). Additionally, in some family situations, there may also be repercussions somewhere else if they say they like this person and had fun.
- Roles and Duties.
If during the introduction the children mention their other parent, ensure that you and your partner respond positively.
If they are rude or misbehave, it is your job as their parent to say something, to gently pull them into line and discipline (not the person they are meeting for the first time). Likewise, if a younger child needs a nappy changed or assistance going to the toilet. Don’t allow your partner try to jump straight into being a parent or correcting the children’s behaviour. If the kids are aloof, seem uninterested or act up, make sympathetic eye contact with your partner and give them an encouraging pat on their shoulder, and try not to take things too personally.
- Realistic Expectations.
Above all, managing your expectations about this meeting and what it might mean for the future is also important. This means remaining mindful that:
Just because your partner really likes you, doesn’t mean that your kids will.
It’s perfectly okay if your partner doesn’t fall in love with the children overnight or vice versa. If the first meeting goes well don’t assume that it will be smooth sailing from there on in. Conversely, if things do not go quite according to plan, it is not the end. There will be plenty of second chances.
The type of relationship your children and partner establish is not a reflection of your relationship with your partner. They can, and will, go at different speeds.