Ten Commandments of Co-Parent Communication

Following separation and divorce, effective co-parenting relies heavily on clear and respectful communication. Whether you are navigating everyday decisions or working through disagreements, following these ten commandments of successful co-parent communication can help create a considerate environment for both adults and, most importantly, children.

1. Watch Your Tone
   Imagine your child is behind your shoulder, reading everything you’re about to write. Would your words make them happy or proud? Is it role modeling how to remain polite and respectful, even when disagreeing? Your tone matters, especially when emotions are high. Children are incredibly perceptive. Even if they are not directly involved in the conversation, they can sense tension and feel the emotional weight of conflicts between their parents.

2. Avoid Emotional and Sarcastic Language
   Sarcasm, judgmental language, and loaded terms don’t solve problems—they escalate them. Stick to neutral, objective language to keep the focus on the issue at hand. Emotional language can lead to misunderstandings and breed more negativity or resentment. Aim for clarity and calmness in your communications.

3. Keep it Concise
   Be clear and direct. Use as few words as possible to convey your message. Bullet points in emails help break down information into manageable pieces, making it easier for your co-parent to understand. Long, drawn-out messages may cause your co-parent to tune out, leaving you both with unresolved issues (and probably frustrated).

4. Avoid Absolutes
   Statements like "You always" or "I never" are rarely accurate and can fuel conflict. Stick to specific examples and avoid broad, accusatory language. This keeps communication more constructive. Using absolutes often leads to defensiveness rather than collaboration, which harms your co-parenting efforts.

5. Don’t Rehash the Past
   Leave past grievances behind. Recalling old conflicts only diverts attention from the present issue. Keep the focus on resolving today’s problems without reopening old wounds. Constantly bringing up past mistakes creates a cycle of negativity, preventing everyone from moving forward and decisions being made in a timely fashion.

6. Pause Before Responding
   Unless it’s an emergency, always take a moment to pause and collect your thoughts before responding to an email, text, or request. This gives you the space to check your emotions and carefully consider your response. This pause not only prevents reactive communication but also allows you to respond in a way that is thoughtful, respectful, and child-focused.

7. Seek Support When Needed
   If you’re struggling to communicate respectfully, ask someone you trust to review your message before sending it. Just as you would ask for feedback on a professional email, seek help with co-parenting communication when necessary. Your relationship with your co-parent affects your child's well-being. Don’t hesitate to reach out for advice when you feel overwhelmed by emotions. A fresh perspective can often provide the clarity you need.

8. Reflect on Your Own Role
   Before pointing fingers, take a moment to reflect on your part in any communication breakdowns. You can’t control your co-parent, but you can control how you react and respond. By demonstrating respect for the co-parenting relationship, you help set a positive example for your child. Recognizing your own contributions to any issues allows you to make adjustments and engage in more productive conversations.

9. Limit Communication to Parenting Matters
   Keep communication focused on the children—health, schedules, activities, and events. This prevents unnecessary drama and keeps your interactions productive and child-focused. The more you can minimise irrelevant discussions, the easier it will be to keep the lines of communication clear and (hopefully) stress-free.

10. Always Prioritize the Child’s Wellbeing
    At the heart of every interaction should be the wellbeing of your child. Be mindful that how you communicate and interact with your co-parent teaches your child how to approach their own relationships and manage conflicts in the future.

By following these commandments, you can create a more effective and respectful co-parenting relationship, benefiting both you and your child.