Talking to Your Child About Divorce: A Guide for Parents

Divorce is one of life’s most challenging transitions, not just for you but also for your children. As parents, we instinctively want to shield our children from hurt and confusion, yet the reality of separation and divorce can make this feel like an impossible task. The good news is that how we approach the difficult task of telling our children about divorce can significantly shape how our children process and adapt to the changes and challenges that lie ahead.

In my work with families navigating divorce, I have learned that simple, future focused communication centered on basic, objective facts is a cornerstone of helping children feel secure and supported. Here are some thoughts to guide you as you prepare to have this conversation with your child.

Start with Their Needs in Mind.

Before sitting down to talk, take a moment to think about your child’s age, personality, and emotional development. Children’s understanding of divorce evolves as they grow, so your message needs to meet them where they are currently at. It can be modified and updated as necessary and as their capacity to understand increases.

For younger children, the focus should be on reassuring them of love and stability. You might say, “Mum and Dad are going to live in separate homes, but you will see lots of each of us, and we will always love you and take good care of you.”

Older children, on the other hand, may need more information about impending changes and how those changes will impact them, to feel secure. However it continues to be important that the story is age-appropriate and does not over share adult issues or apportion blame.

Keep in mind that children of all ages, need reassurances that you will both continue to love and care for them and have an ongoing involvement in their day to day lives.

Plan the Conversation Together.

If possible, both parents should be present for the initial conversation. Sitting down together sends a clear message to your child: “We are united in supporting you.” Choose a calm time when you will not be rushed, and plan what you are going to say.

Keep the initial conversation focused on the basics. Your child does not need to know the intimate reasons for the divorce - what they need is clarity on how their world will change, and concrete information to help them to make sense of their feelings.

If sitting down with the children together with the children is not possible, then, ideally you and the other parent will have agreed to some sort of story of separation, and who, and what you will each tell them to ensure consistency in the messages they are given about the separation and the changes that are happening in their family.

Use Clear, Simple Language.

The word “divorce” itself can be scary to children, especially if they have only seen it portrayed negatively in movies and the media. Explain what it means in a calm, neutral way, using words they can understand. For example, you might say, “Divorce means Mum and Dad have decided not to stay married anymore. We will live in separate houses, but we will both always still be your parents.”

Avoid including any blame or criticism when talking to your child about the separation. Children often internalize conflict and may worry that they are at fault. Instead, frame the decision as one made by the adults: “This was a decision Mum and Dad made together. It might not feel like it right now, but we think it will be best for everyone.”

Give Permission for Feelings.

Your child’s reaction may surprise you. They might cry, get angry, or even seem happy or indifferent. Whatever their response, it is essential to validate their feelings. Saying something like, “It is okay to feel sad or upset about this,” lets them know their emotions are normal and welcome – all of them, whatever they are.

Encourage them to ask questions, but be prepared for tough ones, like “Did I do something wrong?” or “Will we still see both of you?” Answer openly and with reassurance. A response like, “You did nothing wrong. This is about Mum and Dad’s adult relationship, not you,” can be reassuring.

Provide Reassurance About the Future.

Divorce brings big changes - new homes, schedules, and routines. Children need to know what to expect. Offer as much detail as you can about day-to-day matters, such as who will live where, when they will see each parent, and how their daily life will look. It can also be helpful to talk to them about the things that will remain the same e.g. where they go to school, extra- curricular, expectations about behaviour etc.

Consistency and predictability can be vital. If you do not yet have all the answers, it is okay to admit that but assure your child you will keep them informed. Let them know you understand that it can be hard to feel confused and uncertain, but that in time things will improve.

Keep the Conversation Going.

Talking to your child about divorce is not a one-time event. They will have new questions and emotions as the reality of the situation unfolds. Let them know they can always come to you and that their feelings matter.

Books can be a valuable tool to help children process divorce. Stories create a safe space for children to explore their emotions and see that they are not alone. If you are looking for resources, consider stories designed specifically for children experiencing transition, loss and change —they often help spark meaningful conversations and questions.

Final Thoughts.

Children are remarkably resilient when they feel loved, supported, and when their world feels stable and their emotions are validated. When divorce happens, what you say and how you guide them through this challenging time will leave a lasting impact. While there is no perfect script for discussing divorce, approaching the conversation with thoughtful planning, empathy, and a focus on your child’s well-being can make all the difference, helping them emerge from this experience feeling secure, supported, and ready to thrive.