Top Tips to Manage Divorce Anger

Divorce Anger.

Anger is a common emotion for adults to feel during the divorce experience. It speaks to the intensity of affection you had during your relationship and marriage, and the grief and loss experienced when that relationship falls apart.

As any adult who has gone through a separation and divorce knows, there is anger and then there is divorce anger - that deep seated anger that comes from experiencing rejection, humiliation, hurt and loss, from bewilderment and fear or that sense of having to start all over again and reinvent yourself. Those that say they “never got angry” are kidding themselves. In every divorce, there are varying degrees of anger and sadness experienced by both sides – even the side that called it quits and/or left.

Research has found that anger during divorce leads to a more acrimonious separation, a worse post-divorce adjustment, and it can negatively affect children (Emery, 2008).

Learning to let go of anger after divorce is a process.

In my work as a psychologist I once met a gentleman who, seven years on from his separation, still seemed to be exceptionally angry, hurt and tormented by his Ex-partner’s infidelities. That she went on to marry the man with whom she admits to having an affair only added to his pain. Such was the strength of his emotional reaction to her and her new husband that he has, over the intervening years, told each of their three children that he finds the current situation intolerable, reprehensible and unacceptable. He gave each of their three children (the youngest of who at the time had only just turned 12) an ultimatum – “I cannot be in yours lives if “he” is”.

After talking with this man, I was left with the sense that he somehow felt that holding onto his anger was justified because letting go would be tantamount to saying to his Ex (and their children) that he somehow approved of everything she had done. That it would send a message that her affair wasn’t that bad and that he had forgiven her for all the hurt she caused him. He also seemed to believe that holding onto his anger was somehow punishing his Ex. The sad reality was that his anger made him a negative and irritable person and it was interfering, not only with his current relationships with each of his much loved children, but also with others.

In this man’s defence the hurt and sadness he felt at the dissolution of his relationship and subsequent break-up of his family was entirely understandable and justified. Regrettably, however, he was holding onto his anger and his hurt so tightly he did not appreciate how deep and habitual it had become, or how it was harming him and those he loved more than anything, his three children.

There’s a difference between not forgiving and being perpetually angry.

Now obviously this man is an extreme example of divorce anger. His story highlights how hard it can be to move past a painful relationship history. As well as the negative affect on children and on our relationships with our children of their seeing a parent who is angry all the time.

Most of us would like to say that we would never end up in that position or do what he had done. However, it would be a brave person to say that their divorce anger, once abated, has not ever resurfaced, even briefly, perhaps camouflaged as co-parenting anger, parent anger, Ex-anger or just plain old ordinary anger.

Many things can make us angry.

Following divorce and separation, for both parties there are many things that can cause us to feel angry or annoyed or irritated such as:

• You have less or even no contact with your children;
• The fact that your Ex didn’t treat you right, and maybe still doesn’t;
• Broken promises;
• Over-involvement or interference from a new partner;
• Feelings of being left out or invisible;
• Unresolved situations or feeling; and
• Feeling out of your depth.

This list is in no way exhaustive. Our angry feelings can also be exacerbated by tiredness and stress. They can creep up on us slowly or grab hold of us in a second. According to anger management specialist, Ronald Potter-Efron, Ph.D, co author of Letting Go of Anger, research has shown that the neurological anger response lasts less than two seconds. Beyond that two seconds, it apparently takes a commitment to stay angry. However, in the heat of that two second moment, it’s very easy to say or do something you’ll later regret or that causes harm.

So what might you do to turn it around?

Pause - No really. Pause. When faced with a rising tide of anger, before pulling the pin on your emotional grenade and taking aim, pause. Take a deep breath and ask yourself one of the following questions:

• “Is this setting the kids a good example of (mature) conflict resolution?”
• “What lesson am I trying to teach my children, by behaving/reacting in such a manner?”
• “Exactly how important is this particular issue to me – is it an issue worth going to war over?”
• “What difference will this make six months from now? A year?”

Then, when calmer and composed and ready to re-engage, the following guiding principles will stand you in good stead:

1. Recognize what triggers you - When feelings of anger turn up, there will usually be specific triggers that bring it on. It could be when you see your coparent with a new partner or, perhaps, around certain anniversaries approaches. If you recognize what sets you off, it can be far easier to deal with the situation when it arises. You can then attempt to plan for the trigger by developing a solution to diffuse your reaction and maintain your composure.
2. Family friendly language - Try to think about the other parent only as your child’s other parent, not a former spouse. When talking about them, replace “my ex” and “the ex” with “my co-parent” or “mum”/”dad”.  Use basic manners, such as please and thanks you (even if the other parent forgets to do so).
3. Remain mindful - Even if you had remained together, it is unlikely you and your co-parent would have agreed on everything, all the time. There is conflict and disagreements in all relationships (even the healthy ones). Remain mindful that listening and agreeing with your co-parent are two different things. It also helps to keep in mind that neither you nor your coparent are mind-readers.
4. Deal with problems one by one - Don’t refuse a request from you co-parent just because you are angry and/or because they refused your prior request. Hear their request out. Don’t judge or reject prematurely. Attempt to deal with each request or problem individually and on its own merits.
5. Find Distance - If you find yourself reacting emotionally, find a way to distance yourself from having to immediately respond and give yourself time to sort through your feelings and to deal with your anger. This might be acknowledging the email and request and letting your coparent know that you will take time to consider your response and get back to them with your answer by the end of the week. Then switch to a new thought or a completely different activity. Count to 10, 50 or 100. Play relaxing music, bake a cale, read a book, or watch some tv. Whatever works for you.
6. Stay Focused - During times of disagreement do your best to remain calm and rational, stay focused on addressing the issue at hand. Don’t wage a personal attack or bring up old arguments or historical hurts or grievances. Avoid the temptation to get into spat over who is right and who is wrong. Avoid duelling emails, texts or tweets. If necessary agree to disagree.
7. Keep Lines of Communication Open - Although it might be painful, keep a line of communication with your co-parent – don’t block them and refuse to communicate with them or allow your children to become messengers, mediators or negotiators. If things are tense, instead of talking to each other in person or even over the phone, use email and text.
8. Find healthy ways to vent - Divorce anger is normal, healthy even, depending on how you express it. When dealing with anger towards your co-parent – however it is emotionally camouflaged – it is important to remember that it is okay to be hurt and angry. But your feelings don’t have to, and shouldn’t, dictate your behaviour – especially when there are kids involved.

Always keep in mind that regardless of your feelings towards your co-parent your child loves both of you. It would be irresponsible and self-destructive to thrust them in the middle of any angry emotional crossfire between their parents. So, make sure you are handling any angry feelings. Find safe and healthy ways to vent and process your feelings. Develop appropriate outlets, such as walking your dog, attending a boxing or spin class, as well as, a supportive network you can talk with. If necessary seek professional help.

(Please note that anger expressed as abuse and family violence is never acceptable or justified. Putting strategies in place to manage your anger in a healthy way, is the first step in a process that can help stop anger from escalating to violent or abusive behavior).