Key Considerations for Introducing Your Children to a New Partner.

Introducing your children to your partner is a significant step in a relationship as is asking your children to accept and include a “new” person into their world. It is another change that children have to adjust to and, for a variety of reasons, they need their parents to be thoughtful and patient with the process.

Moving slowly and thoughtfully not only creates better outcomes for kids but for your relationships with your children and with your partner.

Proceed with caution.

There is no definitive time frame for when is the right time to introduce your child to your new partner, however, caution is always advised.

Generally speaking, it is advisable to wait at least 6-12 months for that first introduction and meeting. But the timing of that first introduction will be influenced by many things such as your child’s age, temperament and personality and the circumstances surrounding your separation, when you separated and your personal situation.  Ideally you should wait until you are in a committed relationship with someone and you and your partner have a clear and united idea of where the relationship is headed, before introducing your children into the equation.

Certainly introducing a new partner to your child within a few weeks or months of the separation is generally considered too soon. Children need time to grieve and to adjust to their changed family situation following parental separation. To many changes all at once tend to unsettle and overwhelm children.

In this way, when considering an introduction you also need to keep in mind how your children are reacting and adjusting to their parent’s separation/divorce. If your children are really struggling to adjust, then it may be necessary for you to slow down or even press pause on any plans for an introduction so as to honour your children’s needs. After all, introducing a new partner is another change in your child’s world and one which will inevitably impact on family dynamics. Moving thoughtfully, in a planned and considered way will ensue better outcomes for your children as well as protect your new partner and this relationship.

Create boundaries.

For the sake of your children it pays to be discerning when introducing your children to persons you are dating and keep your romantic and parenting lives separate until a relationship becomes serious. Not everyone you date will be a serious contender to be your child’s stepparent and that is okay. But it is not a good enough reason to introduce your kids to a new love interest just because you want to spend as much time with this person as possible.

When considering whether it is the right time to introduce your children to your partner it can be helpful to make distinctions between your children knowing that you are dating, their knowing about a special someone in your life, and them meeting that person for the first time.

If, or when, a new relationship seems to be getting serious, you might consider telling your children that you are dating someone whom you care about and that, when the time is right, you’d like to introduce them. Keep it simple and age appropriate. No matter how keen or curious they may be to meet this new person, you as the parent and adult should make the decision about when and how this first introduction will take place.

Gradually exposing your kids to the idea of your dating, of you being in a new relationship and having a new partner will, fingers crossed, increase the chances of your kids being more receptive to the idea of a new person in their world when the time comes.

Commitment.

When considering introducing a new partner you need to have thought about, and ideally canvassed with that person, whether the relationship is stable, exclusive and that you both believe you have a future together that is realistically possible.

Chemistry is one thing but is that person suited to being a capable step-parent Some questions to consider include:

• Do they share your parenting values and parenting styles?
• Do they offer a neutral or balanced perspective; and do not exacerbate problems between you and your coparent?
• Do they respect that you have a coparent with whom you are in regular contact with regarding parenting matters and with whom you consult about decisions regarding your child?
• Can they support and encourage you to spend time alone with your child (without them)?
• Are they respectful of the space your child already has or needs to have in your home?
• Do they compete with your child for your attention or affection or make you feel guilty about spending 1:1 time with your child?
• Are they too quick to assume a parental or disciplinarian role with your child?

An additional reason for not rushing into introductions is that you don’t want your child to develop a connection to someone who is unlikely to be in your (and therefore their) life for very long. To do so risks your child experiencing more grief, upheaval and stress, on top of everything else.

Your Coparent.

If you decide that your new relationship is significant and stable enough to introduce that person to your children, it is also appropriate to mention it in some way to your co-parent.

This is not because your co-parent gets a say in who date or because you need their permission. It is also not just so you can rub your new relationship in their face. It’s because when mums and dads re-partner following separation and divorce, children can react with a range of different emotions and your kids will inevitably require both their parents support in understanding their feelings and to reassure them that whatever they are feeling is normal.

Also, by taking on the responsibility of sharing the news, you are protecting your children from being a messenger, from being caught in any emotional cross fire or loyalty binds or feeling like they have to keep your relationship a secret from their other parent.  Simply put, you tell your co-parent, so your kids don’t have to.