How to Support a Grieving Stepchild
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Losing a parent is hard at any age. For children however, the grief and loss experienced when a much loved parent dies is made more challenging due to their developmental immaturity and insufficiently developed coping capacities. A child also has to somehow integrate this major loss into their life as part of their growing up, figuring out who they are and becoming an adult.
Obviously the age and stage of development of a child at the time of their parent’s death, the nature of the death itself, and if the children have other supportive relationships scaffolding them, will strongly influence the ways in which a child reacts and adapts to such a loss. But in any case, it’s a major loss that has a significant impact on a child’s development, their sense of self and of family.
Becoming a stepfamily after a parent has died.
Creating a unique set of challenges for stepfamilies is that child's emotional attachment to their deceased parent continues well after that parent’s death (as well it should). This can result in feelings of grief and loss experienced by children being re-triggered or exacerbated when the surviving parent starts dating again, re-partners and/or re-marries.
When a parent finds love again after the death of the much loved spouse, a child can experience any number of thoughts and feelings, such as hurt, suspicion, jealousy, insecurity and or even relief their surviving parent is no longer alone. It may also bring with it a yearning for the departed parent, idealisation of that parent and reminders of what has been lost. Problematic behaviours and jealousy can be particular issues (especially in primary school aged children and teenagers) if, following the parent’s death, a child has unhealthily assumed a pseudo-parental responsibility for their surviving parent’s emotional wellbeing or perhaps has become so used to having the surviving parent’s attention all to themselves that sharing their only parent with someone else is very difficult!
A child’s or young person’s grief is also likely to appear in some capacity, and the loss of the parent acutely felt, at times of remembrance such as the anniversary of the parent’s death, birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s or Father’s day etc., or significant life transitions such as the sale of the family home they had lived with in with that parent, High School graduation, their own wedding and when they become a parent themselves. After all grief for anyone, children included, is a process - and it takes time.
As stepparent how do you best handle this complex emotional vortex?
There is no simple answer, grief is a continuum and has many faces. Having empathy, sensitively and compassion for your stepchild is a must.
Below are my suggestions for what else stepparents can do when faced with a grieving stepchild:
- Don’t assume. As with adults, it’s also normal for children to feel depressed, guilty, anxious, or angry at the person who has died or at someone else entirely. However, a child’s reaction to loss does not look exactly like an adult’s reaction, either in appearance or duration and it’s important not to impose an adult interpretation to a child’s grief. Children may go from crying one minute to playing and even laughing the next. Their changeable moods do not mean that they aren’t sad or that they’ve finished grieving; children cope differently than adults, and playing can be a defense mechanism to prevent a child from becoming emotionally overwhelmed.
- It’s not personal. A child’s feelings and reaction to their parent re-partnering has little to do with you or the quality of and closeness of your relationship with your partner, or even the relationship you may have begun to establish with your stepchild. Do your best not to take their behaviour or attitude personally. It’s important not to feel threatened by or minimize their grief, even when the expression of feels (to you) to have exploded out of nowhere.
- Space. In the early days of your relationship with your partner, don’t rush your introduction and your presence into the children’s day-to-day lives. Give them ample space to get to know you and to get used to the idea of you, of your connection with their surviving parent, and to being part of a stepfamily.
- Time. Accept your stepchild’s time scale, even if things seem to be moving at a glacial pace. A child’s grief can be spread over many years and reignite at times of remembrance and celebrations e.g., such as the anniversary of the parent’s death, Christmas, birthdays, graduations. Learning how to deal with grief is like coping with other physical, mental, and emotional tasks — it’s a process, not an event, and it inevitably takes time.
- Permission to talk. It doesn’t have to be the topic of every conversation but don’t be afraid to talk about the loss and the parent that has died with your stepchild. This gives your stepchildren permission to talk about them too. Listen patiently when or if they do talk. It doesn’t matter that you might never have meet that person or know them, just concentrate your efforts on actively listening and listening with compassion. Remember, it’s okay not to know all the answers, and you shouldn’t worry if you don’t have them all. A well placed “mmm” or head nod, or “I’d love to hear more if you want to share” is often more than enough.
- Realism. Children need good, realistic memories on which to build their future. When you can, and it appropriate to do so, compliment your stepchild’s deceased parent’s values and parenting. Conversely be mindful not to either over-glorify or to run down the deceased parent (or that parent’s family). It may be something as simple as “your dad told me how good your mum was at drawing. It looks like you have her talent”.
- Remembrance. Children can fear that their parent is being forgotten, both by themselves and by others. Work together with your partner and stepchildren to find appropriate ways of honouring the biological parent and help children to ‘remember’ their significance. Diane Fromme, the author of ‘Stepparenting the Grieving Child’, advocates that as difficult (and possibly awkward) as it can be, at least two anniversaries each year should not go without recognition in a grieving stepfamily: the deceased parent’s birth date and death date. This shows your respect for that parent, honours your stepchild’s grief and can help demonstrate to the child that you are not trying to take that parent’s place in their lives.
- Teamwork. It is crucial that you and your partner keep the lines of communication open and work together as a team to support a bereaved child in a way that works for the whole family. Make time to talk about how things are going and discuss what is working or any difficulties or resentments.
- Traditions. When long held family traditions change or stop happening children can fear that their parent is being erased. Whilst you and your partner shouldn’t be afraid to also establish new family traditions and rituals, keep at least one significant tradition that honours your stepchild’s deceased parent. This shows your respect for the deceased parent, demonstrates that you are not taking their place, and honours their place in your stepchild’s heart.
- Patience and tolerance. Stepparenting can be hard enough at the best of times, step-parenting in the shadow of grief associated with the death of a much loved parent can be especially difficult. Be kind, patient and tolerant with yourself. Never underestimate the benefits of just being a steady and stable presence in your stepchild’s life and remain mindful that the deceased parent (or their ghost) is not your enemy.