Finding Joy Amidst the Challenge: Navigating Christmas as Coparents

Christmas and family seem to go hand in hand. After all there is no end of Hallmark cards that push the importance of spending time with family and the idea of “perfect” or “idyllic” family celebrations all taking place on or around the 25 December. Often however, tagging closely behind this relationship between Christmas and family, is conflict and drama.

Whilst holidays can provide many opportunities to catch up with relatives, near and far, Christmas can also highlight familial relationships that are tense, toxic or have ended for one reason or another. Old rivalries, strained relationships often come to light and past arguments can be reignited. Expectations about how, when and where Christmas should be celebrated can contribute to disagreements during the festive season. This can be particularly true for coparents when there may be extended kin and multiple households all trying to voice their opinions and coordinate celebrations against the backdrop of parenting arrangements or Court Ordered parenting schedules.

So how do you find joy amidst all the challenges? Besides moving cautiously through rough waters, here’s our best seven strategies to help you out:

1. Get in early

Without fail, Christmas is the same date in the same month every year. Where possible, identify and discuss any areas of concern with your coparent well before the festive season arrives. It is never too early. Getting in early allows for issues to be resolved (one way or another) before the end of year madness and inevitable panic sets in.

In terms of planning and preparation, it also pays to make sure that your family and your current partner’s family (if you have a partner) are also aware of the parenting arrangement in place well in advance so that they can, where possible, plan meals and celebrations to align with the times your kids and/or stepkids are in your care. This can be infinitely easier that trying to negotiate a last-minute date swap and time spent arrangements with a (difficult) coparent or a coparent who may be notoriously disorgainsed.

2. Communicate Positively.

The language and tone that you use when conversing with your coparent and family can either assist or hinder communication and information exchange at any time of the year, but in particular around Christmas time when people perceive there to be so much at stake.  Any comments or remarks, text messages or emails that contain sarcasm or insults or threats – veiled or otherwise – is disrespectful and is not going to help your kids. It also won’t help you resolve the issue at hand or reduce conflict.

Clear, concise communication that is future focused and is respectful can go a long way to limiting confusion and misunderstandings and help bring a sense of joy back into your celebrations.

3. Be objective and calm when making suggestions and when negotiating.

This one is often easier said than done. Generally, the holidays are a stressful time for all families. Around this time of year, many of us experience more stress, anxiety and frustration than usual.

In order to be able to communicate and reason effectively, as well as listen and take on board what your coparent is requesting or saying, it is important that your judgement is not clouded with big feelings, in particular anger or resentment. To combat this, when big emotions start to feel overwhelming, take a minute to yourself to breathe and calm yourself down. Pause to consider all of the factors surrounding your co-parent’s request before you respond. Don’t respond in haste. Wait until your heart rate slows down and your thinking brain comes back online before responding so that you can craft a thoughtful response, as opposed to blurting out (or texting) an answer without thinking on it.

4. Respect.

Although it may be difficult, especially when difficult emotions arise, treating your co-parent with respect is crucial. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings, beliefs and opinions. Agree to disagree when the issue cannot be resolved or you can’t find any common ground.

5. Compromise.

Remember the objective is to solve the problem, not ‘win’ the argument. Paying attention, actively listening and trying to understand the other person’s point of view can greatly facilitate negotiation and assist in finding solution that everyone can live with.

6. Be solution focused.

This will assist both sides to settle on a solution that is acceptable and comfortable for everyone involved. Whilst it is not crucial that everyone is happy about the solution, everyone should be able to live with it and implement it. Once the solution is determined, write it down so both households have a copy and stick to it!

7. Choose your timing

Think about the timing of any phone call, emails, text messages or face-to-face chats. After copious amounts of eggnog has been consumed or in the evening after you have come home from an office Christmas party or the last day of the school term when everyone is frazzled, are probably not the best times to strike up a conversation or put forward a complicated proposal.

Let’s face it, an exceptionally stressed or slightly intoxicated or exhausted person does not really have the capacity to make smart decisions or analyze information rationally. They also rend to have poor memory. Catching your co-parenting unaware or putting them on the spot is also unlikely to bring any joy to your Christmas parenting arrangements!

Last but not least, to put some joy into your co-parenting Christmas:

• Try to head into the festive season without expectations. Unrealistic expectations lead to significant disappointment and a ‘not-so-joyful’ Christmas if your ‘perfect’ or ‘ideal’ celebration or holiday does not unfold.
• Don’t hold grudges if things do not go your way or accordingly to plan.
• Accept everyone as they are. There is no such thing as the ‘perfect’ family, at Christmas or at any other time.
• When problems arise, it is crucial to ask yourself, how important is the issue and is it really worth fighting over?
• Shift your focus towards your children’s experiences of Christmas. Enjoying Christmas through the eyes of children may help take your mind off your own issues and stress. It may also help you reconsider your perspective and help you reflect on what is really important.
• Know that the holiday season can be a challenging time for many people for many different reasons. Christmas can bring about a particularly unique set of stressors around financial pressures and feelings of loneliness, especially if when your child is with their other parent, you are alone. Be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion. Understand that it's ok to feel lonely and that self-care is essential.
• Remember, a certain level of conflict is a normal part of every relationship. Be prepared for some issues to arise but aim to utilise appropriate conflict resolution strategies that help diffuse the situation’ and minimise discord and estrangement in addition to allowing you to keep the joy in your Christmas holiday!

 Happy Holidays.