Fathering from the middle: Support for biological fathers in stepfamilies.

Stepfamilies, by their very nature and the sheer number of people involved, can often create situations where individuals feel caught in the middle—a place no one willingly chooses to be. Many biological fathers in stepfamilies find themselves in this challenging position, navigating between their children and their partner; their partner and their ex; their children and their ex; their friends and their family; and sometimes even between their ex-in-laws and their partner, or their new in-laws and their children.

This sense of being “stuck” between important people with conflicting needs can feel overwhelming, even for the most competent and confident men. The pressure to support everyone can turn into a constant balancing act, leaving a father feeling like a bystander or paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong move. Unsure of how to proceed, they may end up doing nothing or resort to “stonewalling” a term coined by Dr. John Gottman to describe emotional withdrawal.

However, being in the middle doesn’t have to mean being inactive or perpetually overwhelmed. Although it might not seem like it, fathers can lead effectively from the middle, uniting their family in a way that works for everyone they care about.

The first part of taking the lead is all about being (and remaining) aware of the following:

1. Stepfamilies are structurally different from first time families and don’t tend to fit into a first-time family mold – no matter how hard you might try.
2. In stepfamilies someone is always inevitably feeling like a bit of an outsider.
3. Stepfamilies are complex and it will take time for strong family bonds to form and for your (step)family to find its grove.
4. A loving relationship between your child and your partner won’t happen overnight and maybe not at all, and that is perfectly okay.
5. Loyalty conflicts, if not acknowledged and sensitively managed can create emotional turmoil and lead to stress within the family unit.

The second (and potentially most challenging) part involves communication, talking about feelings and finding moments of connection with your loved ones.

• Let your partner and your children know that your love for them is NOT conditional on their developing loving feelings for each other. Take the time to tell each of them in a way that works for them that not only do you love them, but your love is unconditional. Give them permission to not love, or even like, each other, unless they actually want to.  They each need to hear you say it out loud, clearly and repeatedly. The words ‘I love you’ spoken outloud have more power than you might think!

• Whatever the age of your children provide them with repeated reassures that they remain just as important to you now, as they did prior to separation and to you and your partner getting together. They need to hear you say it out loud that your love for them has not diminished because you have fallen in love with someone else. This is particularly important for your kids if your partner has also brought children into the relationship or if the two of you have a child together.

• Find moments for meaningful connection with your children and with your partner in ways that make sense for your lifestyle and relationships. Moments of connections don ‘t have to be big, small, frequent moments can work wonders. Each moment of shared connection, no matter how small, can have a lasting impact and provide support and reassurances to your loved ones.

• Do your best to share your feelings clearly, in a calm, neutral tone of voice. For example, when faced with a situation in which your daughter and your partner are both asking for different things and both seeking your support you could say something along the lines of, “You know, I can see how important this issue is for both of you. Right now, I don’t have the answers and, if I’m being honest with myself, I am feeling a little bit caught in the middle. So, I am going to take some time to think about what we can do, and I’ll get back to you shortly. I really appreciate your patience”.

Being able to express your thoughts and feelings openly to others can help you get the support you need. It also gives those that love you the opportunity to perhaps come up with their own workable solutions. Be careful that your body language doesn’t in any way confuse or contradict what you say with words and always. always come back to them if that is what you said you would do.

Note - Talking about challenges faced and/or the discomfort of feeling caught in the middle, isn’t a free pass to do nothing. But it might help your partner and kids understand, and also hopefully empathize, with your position in the family.

The third part is all about finding courage.

 Whilst it may feel like you are in an impossible situation, it is generally never helpful to walk away, to ignore a problem, or to pretend not to hear. By remaining uninvolved, conflict and uncomfortable feelings may be temporarily avoided, but ultimately not resolved. What is more helpful, is if you courageously step up and (where appropriate) work through conflict and disagreements alongside your partner and children.

This may involve having a private discussion with your partner when you are both calm and have time, about how the two of you together will handle any conflict in your household. Establish guidelines you both agree to follow. Do not accept harsh or childish behaviour from your partner, especially if directed towards your children. On the other hand, back your partner up if your children get out of line and are rude or disrespectful.

Courage is also required if those in your household are being verbally attacked or infringed upon by the in-laws or extended family or well-meaning friends. In this scenario you need to defend the legitimate concerns and the best interests of your partner and (step)family. It is not easy or comfortable to speak up against your own family, friends or in-laws. But it doesn’t do your relationships with either your partner or your children any good if the behaviour of others is coming between them and you or making them feel unwanted, unworthy or disliked or that your stepfamily is somehow lesser than any other type of family!

Just remember courage doesn’t have to be all fire and brimstone and you don’t have weigh into any conflict by becoming upset and angry and throwing a few insults of your own. It might just be pulling those making the hurtful comments to the side and telling them that you love both your partner and your kids, that these relationships are important to you and firmly asking them to refrain from making such unwanted, unhelpful and possibly even hurtful remarks in the future.

And finally, don’t forget to look after your own health and wellbeing.

 Being in the middle can take a whole lot of energy and is hard work. You aren’t going to be your best version of you that your family needs if you aren’t taking care of yourself. Keep up with your gym sessions, swimming laps, or the occasional golf game or whatever activity or hobby you do that helps you recharge and find a bit of inner peace and quiet. It's always a good idea to manage your diet and consumption of alcohol and do your best to get enough sleep.