Navigating Emotional Spaces Post Divorce.

It takes a lot of energy trying to fit into two homes, especially if those two homes are very different. Think of all the things that are going on for children who find themselves in this situation following parental separation – different rules, expectations and surroundings, moving belongings back and forth between two (sometimes more) homes, and changes in routine. How children tend to cope is influenced by a range of factors. These include the level of support they receive from each of their parents, family and friends, their temperament and their natural resilience. The nature of relationship between the parents and the level of conflict or animosity present in the post separation parental relationship also factors in.

For children in shared care arrangements the idea of their needing a physical space to call their own is readily understood and accepted by parents and carers. After all they are a resident of two physically separate and independent households. Their need to have some sort of tangible, physical space to call their own in each home makes sense – be it their own bedroom or even just a corner and cupboard in a room.

But aside from those physical spaces where a child sleeps, eats and plays, there is also the less recognised, but equally important, emotional space – that abstract, figurative void that exists in the ether between their parents and their two homes. This is a space which has a significant impact on a child’s sense of safety, mental health and wellbeing.

EMOTIONAL SPACE IS ALWAYS THERE – WHETHER WE LIKE IT OR NOT.

In some instances emotional spaces or voids are obvious. For example, at a funeral service the emotional space in the church or at the cemetery might be filled with intense sadness, reverence or subdued thankfulness and people behave and respond accordingly.

Sometimes however, emotional spaces are harder to recognise and to make allowances for. Think of a time when you have been somewhere and begun to feel uncomfortable, self-conscious, or felt a negative vibe from another person who also happens to be in that same place. You can’t quite put your finger on exactly what it is that is making you feel (emotionally) uncomfortable or awkward but regardless, it influences the way you behave and effects your overall experience of that event. In this way, irrespective of whether an emotional space is easily decipherable or not, it is certainly something that for adults and children alike, can cause stress and take up time and energy - either trying to figure it out, managing it or actively trying to avoid it. In other situations, emotional spaces are even less visible or perceptible.

PARENTS CONTRIBUTE TO THE EMOTIONAL SPACES CHILDREN EXPERIENCE.

For children with two homes the tone and tenor of the emotional space between their parents is generated by the parents and stepparents (if they have them), and the nature of relationships between all the adults who care for them.

If the parental relationship is fraught with tension, highly conflicted or noticeably dysfunctional and full of intense emotions and difficult encounters it may be a space that children experience as full of anger, hostility, resentment or perhaps just cold indifference. Exposure to such a space can result in a child also feeling angry, perhaps sad or guilty or distressed or even unsafe. It can exacerbate struggles they experience with the frequent transitions that are a part of a shared parenting schedule and/or they could become burdened by loyalty conflicts. Repeated exposure can also significantly impact a child’s mental health, often resulting in long-term consequences such as anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.

Following parental separation, children of all ages tend to fare best when the emotional space between their parents is not tarnished by parental animosity or tension that is visible and audible to the child and that the children perceive to be about them. That’s not to say that separated parents need to be friends which realistically may not be a possibility, even if one parent desires a congenial post separation partnership. All children really need is for those tasked with caring for them to do their best to create a benign emotional space between their two homes. They need both the physical and emotional spaces in which they live, or are exposed to, to be non-toxic, compassionate and caring, so that they are free to focus on age appropriate activities and challenges, on learning and growing.

How can parents make the emotional space between them more benign?

There is no easy or miraculous solution. But below are some ideas for you to consider that can have a positive impact on your children’s wellbeing and create the kind of space that allows your child to enjoy their childhood – which after all is a fairly short season in their life.

1. BE POLITE AND RESPECTFUL. Whenever engaging with your coparent, use basic manners, such as please and thank you, even if the other parent forgets to do so. Be civil during each and every drop off and pick up. In all text  message or emails, give information in neutral language, rather than emotions, opinions, defenses or arguments. Keep in mind that you don’t need to defend yourself when another person is being hostile. Stay focused on providing relevant information relevant to the children and parenting matters only. Leave out historical grievances or past wrongs
2. LET IT GO. Practice letting go of the way you want the children’s other parent to be or of what happens in the other parent’s home. Short of safety concerns and harm to your child, you really don’t have a say as to what happens at your coparent’s home and in their parenting time or the way in which they parent. If it is a matter of different parenting styles, you have to learn to let it go and develop ways to not let it make you cranky or hostile or damage the parental alliance.
3. DON’T BLOW ON THE EMBERS. Try to be non-reactive if there is a problem. If something happens that makes you upset or angry, think twice about raising it in way that might re-ignite or exacerbate conflict.  Sometimes a balanced response that is not unnecessarily confrontational is the better option. For example, your coparent is responsible for taking your child to a birthday party and arrives late – it might just be better for your child for you to say “thanks for taking Sylvia to her cousin’s party. She had so much fun” instead of “I can’t believe you were half an hour late to the party and Sylvia missed them singing happy birthday”. Nothing is gained for children when a parent acts petty or intentionally disagreeable with their Ex over something that, in the scheme of things, is relatively minor.
4. STICK TO YOUR WORD. Maintain consistency in the parenting schedule and stick to any agreements you and your coparent negotiate and agree to.
5. DON’T PUT THE KIDS IN THE MIDDLE.  Avoid asking your children to relay messages, denigrating the other parent (or that parent’s family) to or in front of the children, or allowing other people to so either. Additionally, don’t share with your children the grown-up details about why you and your coparent broke-up or expose them to the adult conflict and hurt that typically accompanies divorce and separation.
6. KEEP THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN (even when you don’t want to). Coparenting isn’t possible without come level of communication so parents can exchange and share information or details about parenting matters, the children, their health, schedule and activities. This is information children need each of their parents to have. If things are tense or volatile, don’t talk to each other in person or even over the phone, use email and text or even utilize a post separation parenting app.
7. CREATE A SAFE, ACCEPTING ENVIRONMENT. Creating a safe, accepting environment means offering room for your kids to speak freely about their other parent, the important of this relation to them or about time spent with that parent without fear of judgment, of making you angry or upset or hurting your feelings. Nobody, even children want to talk about matters close to their heart if they might receive judgmental feedback, minimizing commentary, or dismissiveness in response.
8. PRIVACY. Do your best to create a physical space in your home that’s just for your child - even if it’s just part of a room, if having their own bedroom is not possible or practicable. This helps them have a space to escape to, and to reflect and process intense feelings and be emotional if they need to.
9. CHANGE IT UP. If you find yourselves constantly bickering or arguing with your coparent you have to ask yourself what part you might play in that. You have no control over someone else’s actions, but you do have control over your own. Try responding differently and see if it elicits a different (hopefully more positive) response.

At the end of the day, parenting a child across two households can be hard, and often stressful work. If you create some benign emotional energy flow between your home and that of the other parent, children are less likely to get caught in angry or tearful reactions or have the devastating experience of being asked to take sides in continuing tensions and hostility. Then you can spend less time putting out fires, managing conflict and picking up the pieces and focus all your energies on getting on with the job of raising and enjoying your children.