Don't Let Emotional Flooding Sink Your Coparenting Relationship

You know those times when a disagreement with your co-parent suddenly “goes ballistic”? Very quickly, the trail of text messages or emails between the two of you escalates to the point where you are both emotionally reactive, making it impossible to have a productive conversation. We’ve all been there!

No matter how it starts, we find ourselves triggered into intense feelings of frustration, shame, anger, hurt or upset. It is at those times when we are likely to lash out and say things that we regret. Or, we may shut down and ignore our coparent's emails and text messages hoping the issue will just disappear or resolve itself. All of a sudden, in those moments it feels like our coparent has become “the enemy” or an even bigger enemy than they were before.

This is called “emotional flooding”.

So, what is flooding?
Flooding is very primitive in nature and refers to a physiological response to a
perceived threat. It's our body’s response to stress that was originally designed to alert us to danger. It enables us to react quickly in self-defense.

The name refers to a flood of stress hormones (such as adrenalin and cortisol) to the nervous system known as “Diffuse Physiological Arousal” (or DPA) that generates what is commonly known as the ‘fight or flight’ response.

World-renowned relationships researcher Dr. John Gottman found that because of
flooding, the physiology of partners during conflict discussion can be like the ‘fight or flight response.’ The same can be true for ex-partners. This makes it very difficult to resolve conflict constructively— especially in post separation parenting relationships.

What happens when we get flooded?
When one coparent feels they are under attack and/or becomes overwhelmed, it results in heightened 'diffuse physiological arousal' (DPA).

This is usually experienced as a rush of physiological stress symptoms such as an inability to think, hear, or communicate clearly, sweaty palms, a racing heart  and elevated blood pressure. Our voice typically raises, we interrupt or talk over the other person and we can say things that we don't mean or that we know to be hurtful. In this way emotional flooding is both a physiological and psychological state.

The experience of flooding is different for men and women.
Gottman found in his research that men tend to flood quicker and it takes less negativity for them to perceive threat meaning they are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict than women.

Once men get flooded, they also tend to stay flooded longer. Since they’re usually not as good as women at soothing and calming themselves down, they withdraw and stonewall to protect themselves. This may be a result of social factors, or of genetic or biological differences between males and females.

The impact of flooding.
Managing DPA when trying to resolve problems is necessary,  otherwise, it gets in the way of productive discussions. That’s because once flooded, you’re left with the options of fight (perhaps a cascade of angry or critical words designed to hurt) or flight (ignoring your co-parent, hanging up the phone prematurely or blocking their emails).

When you’re flooded, it’s physiologically harder to pay attention to what your coparent is saying or reasonably consider their request. Your ability to process information is reduced as is your ability to focus on solutions and engage in “flexible thinking” (as opposed to all or nothing thinking).

We simply cannot be a good listener when we are flooded, no one can. Empathy flies out the window, along with our humour and understanding. Resolving the problem or issue is highly unlikely and continued conversation will probably worsen the situation and, potentially, cause more damage to the parental alliance.

So, what to do when you feel flooded
The first step is to get back to calm. Then, you can take in better information and engage in a more effect discussion.

If you find yourself flooded, knowing how to self soothe and bring your physiology back to normal is critical. That’s why it’s important to take the following steps:

1. Learn to recognize the physiological signs of flooding in yourself. Feeling defensive? Unable to listen to what the other person is saying? What are the signs that one or both of you is flooded? A good indication is your heart rate, which can rise to well over 100 beats per minute when you are in DPA.
2. Stop the conversation. Tell your co-parent you need a break from the  discussion. You can disengage from the conversation with a phrase such as: "Let’s take a break"; "I’m feeling flooded"; "Let’s leave this for another time, when we’re calmer".
3. Offer an assurance that you will return to the conversation/problem when you’re both ready. Pausing the conversation or negotiations is not an excuse to permanently avoid dealing with the issue.
4. Pause to allow your physiology to return to normal. Do something you find soothing or calming, like exercising, listening to music, reading a magazine or whatever works for you. Typically when in this state of arousal we take rapid, shallow breaths. So try taking several slow, deep breaths, breathing slowly in through your nose and out through your  mouth.
5. Disengage from unhelpful thoughts while self-soothing. Replaying hurtful words and concerversation, blaming your copartner or holding onto victimhood will just keep you flooded or escalate your flooded state.
6. Revisit the issue/problem/conversation when you feel calmer and ready. A good break to reverse the physiology of DPA lasts at least 20-30 minutes. You may be ready to resume your conversation in an hour – or you may need several days or longer before you’re ready to resume. Once you feel ready and your coparent is also feeling ready, return to discussing the issue at hand assuming that it is still an issue that needs a resolution. If the situation is still tense, it may that the conversation is via email or text messges as opposed to face to face or over the phone.