Even where a parental relationship is fairly amicable, changeovers can be one of the hardest parts of co-parenting—for both children and adults. When your child is moving from one parent and home to the other and there is any level of tension or conflict is present, it can be a particularly challenging and difficult operation.

For many reasons, children can feel particularly vulnerable and emotional when making the switch between their two homes. In terms of coping with changeovers, parents and other caregivers are essential resources for children in managing emotional arousal and behaviour. Parents need to be mindful of the changeover environment they create. Modelling calm and positive behaviour and attitudes is essential.

Here are some simple tips for things to do – and not to do – that are in the best interest of your child around changeovers.

DO.

1. Help your child understand their parenting schedule and remember where they are going, how they will get there and get picked up.
2. Help your child to pack. Make sure they have clothes, toiletries and any other essentials they might need such as special toys, homework, sports gear etc.
3. Be on time.
4. Be polite. Acknowledge your child’s other parent and always encourage or prompt your child to say goodbye/hello.
5. Keep your emotions in check.
6. Put on a confident face and wish your children a good time with the other parent.
7. Keep it simple. Gently encourage them to go with their other parent. Be relaxed and positive.
8. Arrange a suitable time and schedule for changeovers with your coparent and stick to it.
9. Create a consistent routine around changeovers to provide stability and predictability for children.
10. Be flexible and accommodating when an unexpected situation arises e.g., someone running late due to a traffic problems. Conversely let your coparent know via a quick text message if you are running late.
11. Share any joyous news that has happened such as your child receiving an award, or that they scored their first soccer goal or any other information their other parent needs to know to make informed decisions about care e.g., they had temperature yesterday, which was treated with paracetamol and rest.
12. If civility between you and your children’s other parent is difficult such that there a chance of conflict or tension being a feature of the changeovers, plan the location/venue of the changeover accordingly, such as via your child’s school preschool/school or extra-curricular activity or even inside a shopping Centre, or public library, supermarket etc.
13. Show delight when you greet your child after a period of time apart.

DON'T

1. Argue or fight or be otherwise abusive towards the adults present at changeovers.
2. Attempt to talk about sensitive topics such as finances or new partners or make a request to change the parenting schedule or any other potentially sensitive issues with the other parent.
3. Say anything negative to your child's other parent at a changeover or criticise them or their parenting in front of your child.
4. Add to any stress your child might be feeling by making a fuss about things they haven't brought with them or have forgotten. (Deal with that later, directly with your coparent).
5. Complain in front of your child about how the changeover or the drive to the changeover location is negatively impacting on your planned activities for the weekend.
6. Quiz your child on what has happened or has not happened at the other parent’s house.
7. Use your child as a messenger to share parenting information.
8. Be overly emotional and repeatedly tell your child how much you will miss them. (Statements such as “I love you” or “I’ll be thinking of you every day!” help your child feel connected without feeling guilty)
9. Film/video changeovers.

It is acknowledged that these “dos and don’ts’” might sound easy and seem common sense.  However, a relationship with an ex-partner can be fraught with emotion and sometimes the littlest thing can trigger us, making even the simple things difficult - after all we are all human and changeovers following divorce and separation can be tough.

If you are finding changeovers are consistently turbulent you are encouraged to seek help and assistance. There are some really great resources, services and professionals out there that can help you develop strategies and skills to manage a changeover in a way that works for you whilst continuing to prioritize the safety and emotional wellbeing of your child.