A Very Merry Stepfamily Christmas: Strategies for Success

All the marketing that we are bombarded with in the lead up to the festive season means we tend to associate Christmas with summer holidays, friends and, most importantly, family.

For stepfamilies take the chaotic-ness, stress and business of the holiday festive season and compound it tenfold. These families typically span at least two households (sometimes more), with each household having its own unique traditions and persons within those households having various expectations on how the children should participate. Let’s face it, two parents, their partners and maybe siblings, all mixed in with grandparents, aunts uncles, visiting relatives and friends can be a recipe for disaster, or at the very least chaos, possibly a stress related ulcer and high blood pressure – add alcohol into the mix and things can get even more intense and twitchy!

Getting together with family during the holidays can bring about complicated emotions when there are conflicting personalities, unresolved issues or awkward family dynamics. Stepfamilies and separated parents have to deal with a number of additional holiday factors that intact families don’t.

Factors such as:

• Whose care the children are in on Christmas Eve and who gets to wake up with them on Christmas morning;
• Which family might buy the iPad or PlayStation 4 or bicycle (and where those new toys will reside), and;
• Whether a trip to see relatives on mum’s side is appropriate if it means the children will not get to see dad on Christmas day (or vice versa).
• Step-parents, when participating in their partner’s family events, may feel outnumbered and out of their element, overwhelmed and maybe even like an outsider – the same can probably be said for stepchildren.
• Christmas Day celebrations being interrupted or cut short to accommodate having to transport a child to their other parent’s home or a midway changeover point.
• Depending on that parenting schedule place, not getting to see or spend time with your child on or even around Christmas Day.

These can all add to the emotion and stress that tends to accompany the holiday season.

Choose your battles carefully.

At this time of year it’s immensely helpful to remain mindful that the pressures associated with the end of year and holiday season make it the perfect time for former spouses and family members to be quick to get annoyed or frustrated and for major conflicts to develop. After all as fantastic as Christmas is, heightened emotions, depleted energy levels and stretched budgets make it very easy to walk into an argument or to upset someone who may already be struggling. This makes it more important than ever to choose your battles carefully and give in gracefully when you can.

It is never too early to start planning.

Planning ahead is the best way to save money, headaches, and even your sanity!

If there is parenting plan or Court orders in place, you will generally know well in advance where the children should be on Christmas Eve and on Christmas day and the surrounding dates. Accept it. Work with it.

Begin working out plans with the other parent, and with your extended family members, as early as possible – the earlier the better, especially if your coparent is difficult or typically slow to respond and confirm arrangements. Take care to ensure any plans you make or suggest to your coparent or family accommodate your children’s comings and goings, term times, school Christmas programs and other significant commitments. Put all these details in the shared calendar. The more organised you are now, the better it will be, come Christmas.

When planning actual Christmas day celebrations, consider the distance and driving time between where you will be celebrating and where the other parent will be and account for traffic congestion. If significant travel is involved, where possible, attempt to lock in details early enough that air, bus or train fares etc. are affordable.

Don’t get caught up on the date.

As hard as it may be, try not to allow you or your partner and your extended families to get caught up in the idea that the 25 December is the only day on which your family can celebrate the meaning of Christmas, open presents or have a meal together. Exchanging gifts on Christmas morning may have been the way that you always did it, but if your family needs to exchange presents on Christmas Eve or on Boxing Day (or 15 December or 28 December or indeed any other date) in order for everyone to be there, then embrace creating a new tradition.

I hate to say it, but it is typically us adults that get too caught up in the emotion associated with the actual date. In my entire professional career I have yet to meet a child or teenager who was unhappy about celebrating Christmas more than once or having repeated opportunities to give and receive presents or to have Santa visit them across multiple locations! Babies and toddlers, by reason of their young age, have no concept of time or the ability to know what month it is or keep track of dates, so it is absolutely possible to take advantage of that when planning how and when you might celebrate.

If your children are in the envious position of being able to spend time with you and with their other parent on Christmas day itself, it also helps, to put some thought about when you might open presents. If your child/stepchild opens a new expensive toy 15 minutes before they are scheduled to head out the door to spend time with their other parent, it is only natural that they may want to take it with them. If you don’t agree to big, expensive and/or new items walking out the door then don’t give them for Christmas or give it to them the night or day before so they have ample time to play with it. You might also elect to gift them that particular present when they return to your care or give them such gifts on their birthday. Otherwise, let it go – figurately and literally.

Giving kids the freedom to love and enjoy both sides of their families is one of the greatest gifts you can give.

Above all, take the time to reassure your children that even though you will miss them when they are gone, it is okay that they spend time with their other family and have fun. Giving children the freedom to love both of their families and enjoy time spent in both households (on Christmas or at any other time of the year) is one of the greatest and most valuable gifts you can give.

Other Top Strategies for a Successful Christmas:

1. Make it simple, low key and about togetherness rather than expense.
2. Accept that you are going to have to divide up the holidays in some way so make sure you enjoy and make the most out of the time you and your family are together.
3. Keep communication lines open. Preparing for difficult conversations and listing workable options before you place the call can keep you from reacting emotionally.
4. Don’t get caught up in things needing to be the same or celebrated in the same way, or at the same time and place as they have always been.
5. You cannot control someone else’s actions or response, but you can control your own.
6. Don’t neglect your marriage/relationship and other family connections by focusing on who isn't there.
7. Don’t sweat the small stuff.
8. Above all, be realistic – you are unlikely to please everybody.