13 Ways to Encourage Bonding Between Step-Grandparents & Grandkids

A Gaggle of Grandparents.

I was fortunate enough to grow up surrounded by grandparents—six of them, to be exact. This unique situation came about because both of my parents were only children, and each experienced the pain of divorce and the adjustments that come when parents remarry.

By the time my parents met, married, and had my sister and me, their parents were well-established in their new marriages. As a result, for the first three and a half years of my life, I was the only grandchild to six grandparents. For the next two decades, I remained one of just two grandchildren in this extended family, until two cousins came along and we had to share two of those grandparents with them.

As a child, I assumed that every kid was lucky enough to have a gaggle of grandparents doting on them. I don’t even recall when the terms “stepparent” or “step-grandparent” became part of my world—if they ever were. Of course, as I got older, I came to understand the ties of biology. But for my sister and me, the labels never changed how we viewed our family. Bloodlines didn’t define the hierarchy of affection.

Relationship Challenges.

From my perspective, all six grandparents had always been there. I grew up knowing, loving, and being spoiled by each of them. Like any grandchild, I also experienced my share of frustration and embarrassment at their quirks and actions, many of which were typical of a proud grandparent or a result of the era in which they themselves were raised.

Now, I’m not saying our family was one big, happy unit. There was no shortage of drama, conflict, and unresolved issues rooted in the painful histories of my grandparents and parents. My mother, for instance, never experienced her parents being in the same room together after their acrimonious divorce when she was young. As a result, my sister and I never saw our maternal biological grandparents attend the same events—milestones like birthdays, graduations, or weddings. They took turns showing up, despite both being invited, preferring to avoid each other entirely.

As we grew older, my sister and I weren’t blind to the tensions. Even someone with no insight could see that my maternal grandfather had no fondness for my step-grandfather, ‘Poppa,’ and my paternal nana often felt jealous of my maternal grandfather and his second wife, June. Despite these adult conflicts, to their credit, they generally kept their issues away from us. They rarely spoke ill of each other in our presence, allowing us to love them all without feeling torn. They all seemed to accept that we had enough love in our hearts to embrace all of them. When I spoke of my Granddad to my Poppa (or vice versa) the men both managed the situation with dignity and civility. They would smile and listen. Whilst they might not have added to the conversation, they never put me in a position where I felt I had to censor my conversation for fear of hurting their feelings.

Building Bonds.

Because my sister and I had known these grandparents from birth, they naturally understood our likes, dislikes, and personalities. It’s certainly easier to build strong relationships when step-grandparents are there from the beginning. But it can be much more challenging when a step-grandparent enters a child’s life later, without the foundation of shared history or a biological connection.

Like with stepparents and stepchildren, step-grandparents don’t have the natural ties of blood, and there isn’t an instant bond. They often have to work to find their place in a new stepfamily, navigating the complex dynamics of existing grandparents, ex-partners, and biological grandchildren. This can make the adjustment period awkward for everyone involved.

Of course, every family is different. Some step-grandparents choose not to take on a grandparenting role for various reasons, and that’s perfectly okay. People should feel comfortable with the level of involvement they have in their adult child’s new family. For those who do want to build meaningful relationships with their step-grandchildren, experts agree that the best way to foster a strong bond is through time and shared activities. Step-grandparents who are sensitive to the complexities of stepfamilies, who respect boundaries, and who focus on the children’s interests, stand a good chance of developing a lasting, loving connection with their step-grandchildren.

How to Encourage a Positive Connection.

To help encourage a positive relationship between step-grandparents and stepchildren I suggest the following tips:

1. Let the children (and their parent/stepparent) know if you are genuinely interested in a relationship with them.
2. Be patient and don’t not push the children to welcome or accept you.
3. Find out about their areas of interests. Be as supportive as you can of their interests. If possible do things with them targeted to their age and talents.
4. Focus on the needs of the children, not your wishes for the relationship.
5. Respect the children’s their stages of development. A teenager is something very different from a 3-year-old.
6. Recognise that as awkward as you may be finding the situation, the children are also trying to find their way and juggle a number of complicated relationships.
7. Accept your role for what it is and that you may be the backing singer and not the star of the show.
8. Respect the other active grandparents and don’t make it a competition.
9. Don’t pry into the past (even when you are curious).
10. Remember special events and make it easy for them to be included in, and attend, family events as you do other children in your family. Additionally don’t be offended if they (or their parent on their behalf) decline or don’t act grateful.
11. Be supportive of the stepfamily and the new step-relations. Support your adult child and their partner in terms of their rules, and expectations (even if you don’t agree with them or did things differently).
12. Recognize that there is usually lots of stress involved in bringing two families together. Do what you can to help minimize the stress versus creating more.
13. Find ways to praise the children when appropriate to do so and be slow to criticize them, their parents, their family of origin or the stepfamily. Don’t make too many demands or be judgemental.